A Bladder the Size of a Walnut


The are numerous reasons why I don't do certain things on airplanes like take a window seat, because you probably want to get up and pee whenever you damn well feel like it; eat the food, because more often than not it will make you question why animals ingest for sustenance in the first place; or read the in flight shopping magazines they stuff into that tiny pocket beneath your tray table. I perhaps like the idea of an LED belt buckle a little too much, so much that I checked to see if various online outlets that sold them would ship internationally.

This is such a fucking great idea! Why didn't anyone think of a portable oxygen system sooner! I even have one of my own: it's called the Earth, for fuck's sake. Moreover, there's a reason why we don't breathe pure oxygen, as the Apollo 1 astronauts would tell us, that is if they hadn't burnt up in a fiery explosion. Pure oxygen is flammable. Did anyone stop to consider that maybe there's a reason why our atmosphere is nearly 80% nitrogen?

And as it turns out, there's even a reason not to take the aisle seat, you could be sitting next to a woman with a bladder the size of a small nut. I swear, every time that woman ordered something to drink I wanted to suggest to the flight attendant that he forget to bring it. And she kept rubbing all sorts of ointments on her skin. She had this little pink bag filled with little tubes and tubs of the most foul smelling ointments you could possibly imagine.

Thank god for free liquor on all international flights.