Not Exactly a Looker

So, I've been working on a translation of a book of poems by the modern waka poet Tawara Machi (that's Machi Tawara for you Western types), namely her third volume the Chokoreto kakumei, the Chocolate Revolution. I know that sounds really corny in English, but, well, it sounds really fucking corny in Japanese too. She's a bit of an oddball (that's another story) and to be honest not much of a looker. She manages to find just the perfect hairstyle to make it look as if she's wearing a black helmet.

Prime Minister Jun'ichiro Koizumi (pictured seated at left) joined her once on the semi-regular show she used to have on NHK. When commenting on her Chocolate Revolution, he had the following to say: "these are... colorful poems." Well, what he actually said was これは、いろっぽい歌だよなあ (which you can confirm for yourself), and the key word here is iroppoi. It literally means something like "colorful" but has the connotation of "sexy" or "erotic." I'm not exactly certain Koizumi and I are reading the same volume.

A taste:

通販の人気等身大枕を抱いて眠る東京

Tokyo, where I fall asleep arms wrapped around
a popular mail order man-sized pillow

Sexy, indeed, Mr. Koizumi, very sexy, indeed.

If, in the near future, you should be flying over Mito in your B-2 bomber, I've provided the following aerial photograph to aid you in your mission. Should you need to precision bomb my apartment, please direct your sight to the red target noted in the adjacent photograph. Now, be very careful so as not to hit the supermarket (blue), as many neighboring families may starve for want of food, seeing as the other supermarket is on the complete other side of town, and we wouldn't want to have to get up off our lazy asses for too long. Also, do try to avoid the train station as well (green), as it is quite close to my apartment building. Well, of course, that's something of a misnomer. It sure does appear to be quite close to my apartment, but you in fact have to walk a quarter mile past the train station in order to cross the railroad tracks. You see, most train stations in Japan have entrances on either side of the tracks, but our lovely station staff couldn't look up from their idiotic newspapers long enough to even conceive of the possibility that maybe it's a fucking pain in the ass for those of who live on the other side of the tracks.

So, remember, bomb red; pass blue and green.

So, Nara is like the most fucked up place on the face of the Earth. Sure it's chock full of ancient history and all that warm, fuzzy stuff, but it's also the home of sacred deer. Sacred deer? Yes, indeed, true believers, sacred mother-fucking deer. The deer are so fucking sacred that the good Japanese feel the need to post signs warning you of the wicked powers of their sacredness.

You see, dear reader, sacred deer--both the mommies and the kiddies--have the ability to discharge red lightning from their skulls. Now, seeing as this is an ability most deer do not possess, the Japanese feel the need to warn the (Japanese-reading) public of the dangers of angering the sacred deer. The sign says "kado ga aru shika mo, kitte aru shika mo kiken," which means, literally, "whether a deer with antlers or one with them cut off, beware!" or as I prefer to translate it, "back off, mutha-fuckas, deer be shootin lightnin out they fuckin heads!"

Indeed, you should beware; for I myself saw a man being accosted by a small heard on my way to the Daibutsuden, the place in Japan with the largest indoor Buddha. The thing is so frickin huge they built the building around it. Anyway, the man was feeding the deer this parafin dildo thing they sell out of vending machines, and they just would not leave him alone. So, remember, dear readers, that if you feed sacred deer a dildo, they will come again and again.

日本語を危険！

このポストは日本語で書いてある。

Oh my God! The horror!

A little poetry to start your day off right!

What's on HDTV

"companions
of the flame."

it's in quotes
so you know

it's important;
so you know

to look for it in all the silly books
to seek it out in the heavy tomes

in databases
neither heavy nor silly

H.D. a
T.V. high

definition, every image pure
clear as prismatic crystal

And if you don't like poetry, well, then, that's just tough. You can go suck an egg, or some other equally unsuckable object.